Working twice as hard..........It is funny, I had heard this phrase growing up quite a few time, but it never really stuck with me until 8th grade. I was sitting in my Spanish class and the teacher had placed in the movie Selena for the day. A part came up where Selena's father was speaking to her and told her that she isn't Mexican enough for Mexicans or American enough for the Americans. She had to work twice as hard to get half the respect from either side. That scene kept playing in my head all day for reasons that I was unsure of. I realized that in many ways I felt the same way. I was not Hispanic enough for my Spanish friends, not street savvy enough for my neighborhood friends, not smart enough to be tracked in the academic track. I was more than a boy without a country; I was a boy without a tribe.

In the abstract, the phrase "working twice as hard" can seem general and trivial. What does it actually mean? How does it actually play out? Well, it manifests in me in one simple way. If I am not perfect, I have no value or worth. While others could get away with mispronouncing a word, I would notice that I seemingly always got corrected in such a harsh way. Phrases like "O you can't speak English"would regularly get thrown at me.  This caused me to desperately want to be perfect. In many ways, this was a good thing. It motivated me to achieve excellence. However, having this standard placed on me was tiring. I typically overload myself and I now realize it is because my desire to succeed in as many things as possible. I don't ever want there to be a doubt about my ability. As time went on and I matured, I became more comfortable with who I am and my capabilities. To put it more bluntly, I stopped giving a damn about what others thought of me. Now, I admit that my own insecurities creep up every once in a while, but I have found that by focusing on bettering myself and helping others those voices I call insecurities go away.

While I do feel that I need to work twice as hard, I also acknowledge my own privilege, which is being a male. It became very apparent to me that in the work place my efforts, contributions, ideas were taken more seriously than those of my female colleagues. Now, can I prove that there is active sexism going on? No, I can not. However, I don't think it is conscience or observable if just glanced at. That is what makes biases so dangerous. They, our biases, can hide deep in the sub-subconscience and corrupt the actions of even the most well intentioned of people. I suppose this post sounds morbid, butI truly believe that with awareness solutions can emerge that help us build a more equitable world.

P.S. Not my third post. That is upcoming :)